Feeling the call

My inner voice had become very loud and had long since found its way into my dreams. It was already too late to not listen to it, too loudly its contradictions were already echoing inside me. And yet I was doing very well with my life. Determined and successful, I had achieved many goals and built a respectable scaffolding of achievements - ready to climb the next rungs. Out of nowhere, this call arose and reminded me of an innocent dream that my mind had mindfully forgotten within myself.

Where did this voice come from that, as if from nowhere, put a question mark on my roles, identities and achievements and instead put a new exclamation mark inside me in the shimmering colours of the rainbow? Life had something in store for me that I was not prepared for. I watched helplessly as this wake-up call revealed something in me that had been well hidden inside until now. Something that had always been there and had eluded being to now being revealed through my life.

It was the timeless call of my soul that touched my heart at that time to initiate me deeper into the mysteries of life. To follow this call is truly a great adventure. I cannot promise you anything if you also want to follow it. I cannot tell you what will happen. I can’t even tell you where you will be tomorrow, if you will accept it. This call leads you beyond familiar structures into something new, something strange, to fathom the deep truth of your being, exposed to the unknown.

Are you really ready to leave your habits, concepts and expectations behind and learn to walk again on an unknown path? Are you ready to engage with the sensitivity and vulnerability of your being with responsibility? Are you ready to leave behind all the clothes of “I-am-this” and “I-am-not-this”? What about your ambition, your “I-want-to-achieve” and your “I-want-to-have”? Can you really trust your inner voice and your senses? Are you prepared for all these questions? Maybe it would be better to wait and see.

“What are you waiting for?” it whispered mysteriously from the silence inside me, jolting me out of my sleep again. This time I stayed awake. I couldn’t help it. I wanted to find out who I really am. On the threshold of life, I gathered all my courage and quietly said “Yes”. I breathed into the silence and felt a sinking feeling spread through my stomach, mingling with the doubts of uncertainty. Only when my soul embraced me with a warming smile I knew I was ready.

How much I love and appreciate today this inner voice that unveiled revealed life to me.

What are you waiting for?

Apprentice of life

Life reveals itself when I let myself breathe in its rhythm and have the necessary patience and maturity to give space to this breath of life. I have unlearned to meet life with resistance and that it is less about the non-being of wanting to achieve, but more about the being of becoming, which is inherent in the before, the now and the after. Like the earth, I constantly spin around myself and I have learned to be sheep and shepherd, guest and host, craftsman and architect, scientist and mystic at the same time. But just as the earth spins around the sun, so does my life spin around a centre outside me that shines its light into my life, illuminating it and making it appear as a work of art that I have not created myself.

On my way, I got to know many tools of the soul, worked with them and experienced their meaning and use. As an apprentice, I learned to distinguish them according to purpose and quality until I was finally ready to look for my own tools, to recognise them and to value them appropriately. On the shamanic path, I found tools with natural signature that are highly precise to the subtle language of the soul. They serve healing and growth and they know about the sensitivity and vulnerability of life. They, like us, have a being of their own and want to be treated mindfully and with respect. Embraced and welcomed in their arms, I often listen to their stories, which blend harmoniously with the sounds of my soul. To know them by my side is a great gift of life that can only be appreciated with gratitude and love.

Equipped with appropriate tools, I learned that presence, awareness and letting be can open many spaces and that responsibility is an inevitable response to something that goes far beyond me. In many small steps I learned to really see myself, to accept and to lovingly embrace myself. I explore the vulnerability of my being through which I can tenderly recognise and understand myself as a human being. Patience, trust and devotion are always my faithful companions here. It is intimacy with myself, connection with myself and relationship with myself that enables me to live intimacy, love and relationship with others.

I practise refining my senses to become more sensitive and alert, to be able to listen more deeply into life. The mysteries of the soul reveal themselves behind the curtains, just as the actual saying is hidden behind what is said. To listen into the silence is to detect the saying in the echo of what is said and to go into connection with the original. When I am truly in touch with my being, I experience an all-encompassing intimacy with life in which I am allowed to touch something deeply sacred. Often I then feel such a great joy that makes me weep happily in the arms of the divine Mother.

In all things I am Yours.

I know that I know nothing

With increasing inner experience, however, I realised that my mind was blocking my view of the essential through its own judgements and concepts. Due to its high speed, I was too driven and too tense to perceive what is behind. The only purpose of my life was to have a goal. With this attitude, I could not breathe freely. I was a proud rider on a racehorse that told me where to go and yet gave me the feeling that I was in control.

Over several years I had to unlearn many concepts, habits and imprints in order to learn to face the world with empty hands without guilt. Since I have been following the shamanic path, I have been living in a constant process of purification, always dying and touching my original being. I started to live more slowly and listen to life in a different way. More and more I touch the emptiness and learn to go beyond it.

If I imagine I know something, life generously lets me know that I actually know nothing. I have learned to pay attention to the signs. I trust the shamanic tools and gratefully experience how they keep stretching my boundaries. So I take my steps and learn to live in the not knowing.

I am an insecure, vulnerable being and humbly accept my humaness.

Sow seed

I sow one seed - just one.
More are better I once meant,
but full of expectation impetuously I got lost.
Now I have sworn mindfulness and patience to myself.

Gratefully I speak the great name,
for the granted opportunity.
Mindfully nurture only one seed,
with pure intent and ready now.

Patiently I nourish it with all my love,
I look around attentively and vigilantly.
Touched, I receive the first sprouts,
silently singing of the mystery.

See growth slowly circling around me,
life spirals upwards.
Marvel at the transformation that I am promised,
Step by step it unfolds.

Gratefully I look at my life,
in new splendour every day shines.
I can confidently surrender to the seed,
love nourishes what may come.

Grateful I am, without words,
who knows how long I am.
The future is already knocking at my door,
wraps everything with meaning.

Magic of the night